I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About things that I don’t normally think about. Things other than how I will be paying my bills, what I’ll be wearing today or where I’ll be getting my next coffee.
Because I’ve been thinking about new things, I’ve been writing about new things. I guess it’s time I start to share.
There was a time when I couldn’t look pain in the eyes. I remember a specific moment when I was fighting to take control of the panic that was rushing through my veins after learning that my worst nightmare (at the time) was going to be a reality.
I know now that it wasn’t the actuality of the thing that upset me.
It was that it meant I had to go digging.
I needed to return to the shallow grave where I had buried my secret.
I had covered it with anger and shame.
I thought if I just put my secret in the ground it would die; I just couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. It was too painful and felt too real.
I knew there was no running. I had given my “Yes.” and I couldn’t take it back.
So I dug it up—with bare hands— I pulled the dirt back and unearthed the secret that had I desperately wanted hidden. It was my favorite lie: “I’m not enough. I lack.”.
An interesting thing started to happen when I actually brought that thing out into the world. It started to get smaller. I started to realize that Jesus made up for the lack. It was ridiculous to think that I could just cover it up myself and hope that no one would notice it festering under the surface of my heart.
He’s been reminding me over and over that I don’t have to strive for life. He provides the enough, he provides the money, the love, the companionship, the harvest, he is the “enough”.
Oh Jesus, thank you that I never have to be enough.